The Child With In Me

04 Sep

It is said that every adult is inhabited by a "child." "Boy" with a pure look in his eyes. A "child" who never stops dreaming. Sometimes he is forgotten, and rarely he bursts out, laughing, and giving the adult a few moments to return to being a "child." The inner "boy" pops up and comes up with childhood memories, flooding with longing for that distant time, for those days when life look so beautiful and innocent

For me, it's not like that

The "kid" in me is a guy who hears explosions and fights. My adulthood experiences consist of endless horror. all day and all night. No pleasant memories. There are no moments of grace. There is no peace

I do not have to look for the "child" in me. He exists in me all the time. Comes out whenever he sees fit. Attacks me again and again. Every moment reminds me of what I would like to forget. Floods me with an never-ending experience

The "child" in me is alive and well and it is difficult to tell where he is and where I am. To this day I have tried to hide it. Fight him. Mute it. I had a hard time containing it inside me, and I had a hard time getting it out of me. He never received appreciation, compassion, and love. Not from the world and not from me. Today, for the first time, I give him the stage.(This project was created and presented at several exhibitions in 2012

Between reality and imagination

I no longer know how to distinguish between reality and imagination

Everything is mixed, merging with each other

Moments segment during the day

I disconnect again and again into a gray space

Devoid of feeling and smell, shape and explosions

And after a while I return to reality

Which now looks grayer than ever

But I can no longer distinguish between

Is it the gray that tears my flesh, that penetrates into my soul

Or the gray of disengagement, of the Misses

That only an orange pill can infuse colors into it

Waking up in the middle of the night screaming in terror

In a sense of a hollow body that shrinks entirely from within

There is no moment of silence and never has been. Just fear, horror

Exposed flesh is perforated with pain. My mind is torn

Hovering in a gray space between reality and imagination

There is and never has been hope

No shame, no body and no more soul

The hell inside me, where he and I walk on two

He will never leave me

Like a shadow that goes with me everywhere

Past within the present, reality within the imagination

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